Dillema #1.

i’m living in a subtle dilemma that only manifests itself occasionally.like when i’m not thinking over it or perhaps after what i feel is having moved forward in a different direction. the ominous feeling strikes and leaves me in a state of misgiving of the road I’ve taken and the one that i’ve moved past.

i graduated this year with a prestigious degree in economics from a fine college with decently good marks. so far so good. but actually the journey has been not as smooth as the conclusion so far. actually till as far as high school i had never even studied economics so as to be able to give a satisfactory definition of GDP (Gross Domestic Product). in fact i used to be a ‘science student’. the name -heavy duty. one that gives the instant impression of a ‘bright’ intelligent kid. fair enough, call me one- but let’s be safe here and credit it to my “hard working” persona like my mum maintains. so, given my high school profile my parents were preparing themselves to have me admitted in a fine engineering college (like most Indian families). and me!? i abhorred the idea of doing something as ‘mainstream’ as engineering. i was more than averse to the idea of seeing my future as an engineer. perhaps it was something to do with my teenage whims or God knows what and why i felt that way! but i did. to the extent that I was one mass of confusion over my parents’ expenses (considerable) for my entrance exam coaching. on one hand things were happening so fast- high school began in a new city that i had just shifted to. new school, this coaching center i wasn’t glad about attending etc.  all sufficed more than enough to push me into a state of a wreck. i started feeling bad for myself.

upon watching my performance in school go down- my parents realized that something was amiss. and indeed. they eventually came to terms with my absolute disinterest in the field they had wished for me to pursue. soon i made real good friends at school that i still make a point to meet whenever they’re in town (including one whom I met at the coaching centre). amidst all this melee life had somewhere lost the determination to excel. which now in retrospect i feel was manifest in my continually languishing state of academic performance (as per my previous standards). back then i would reassure my parents of a brilliant score in the final board exams- the ultimate exam at high school. parents always had faith though they couldn’t help worrying also.

i remember the day i checked online my class 12th result- anxious as ever. i was unsure of my performance (the recent school grades and experiences at the coaching classes did take a toll on my self confidence). my fate was there in front of me- what i had scored was a mere 83% – a marked improvement from before but way lower than what I would have wanted so as to secure a good college seat in the best university around! and all of this happened after i wrote my engineering entrances halfheartedly with no surety of making it anywhere. what had i done !

by luck of fate- i am the daughter of a Government-ally decorated gallantry awarded defense officer. hence my ambitious hurt self was rescued and I made a smooth landing in a prestigious institution with a course that fascinated my ‘class apart’ sensibilities- Economics (Honors).