bitter-sweet helplessness

you know, there comes a time in life when you’re quite close to realising what direction your life is headed. this generally comes after college -with a barrage of options lying ahead, a placement somewhere that happens by fate of luck , a chance meeting with some one at the right time right place … or in my case- it’s something that builds into your consciousness -watching your parent do it. my father was my inspiration to try my luck as a pilot in the air force. following in his footsteps sounded dreamy.

i remember the happiness when i cleared the written exam for the same – there was excitement. in hindsight, there wan’t that ‘passion’. keenness is one thing, passion another. all said, i found myself at the next level of rigorous testing. i’d fervently prepared, left no stone unturned. as a result, i made it! i was selected.

but an interesting thing happened. i failed the test for ‘flying’. the coveted job now rendered as the lost dream. with no second chances to try my luck again, i was shattered. had i failed as a child? i couldn’t cope up to my father’s standards. all the things about ‘surpassing’ my parents – came undone? i was in a difficult position. the former achievement didn’t seem like a success any more.

how could i have even consoled myself.  ‘never give up’ , ‘next time’ , ‘buck up’ cease to hold meaning when you fail at a ‘once in a lifetime attempt’. a bittersweet tide ebbed up in me today when i saw a beautiful sight of an aeroplane fly through the clouds, cutting across the sun’s reflection. it was a breathtaking view. i just stood watching at the beauty- helpless at what i couldn’t achieve. it’s funny how i can’t even console myself shunning these flying beauties – i’m a pilot’s Daughter!

*sigh*

but there’s something i know. there’s a passion today- passion to serve.  if i’m in the air force tomorrow, i shall never loose heart at not becoming one thing. perhaps it would be my absence of complacency and that would keep me motivated to excel! after all, there’s another thing i’ve learnt from my father- to “surpass” standards .

 

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